Rules

1. I will not sign my name as 'Sir Gary Motherfucking Oak' on important documents.

2. I will not attempt to sharpen pencils with a butter knife.

3. 'Dammit' is not the answer to every question, comment, compliment, declaration, statement, and thought.

4. Nor is 'I rule the world'.

5. Calling an authority figure a knave is generally frowned upon in polite society.

6. I am not the Pirate King, nor am I allowed to steal all of the chocolate coins.

7. I am not Cthulhu, nor is he related to me.

8. It is not necessary to give poor drivers the Finger. My mother will take care of that if it absolutely must be done.

9. My little brothers are neither drunk nor high. I will stop insisting that they are.

10. Canadian is not a real language.

11. I am not allowed to eat my cousin, regardless of how hungry I may be.

12. No matter how many times I claim to do so, I have not won the game.

13. I am not to sing 'Black Hole Sun' during boring science classes.

14. Even if they aren't teaching real science.

15. Trolling in real life is impolite.

16. I am not Jesus.

17. I am not God.

18. If I am indeed the Devil, I will refrain from mentioning it.

19. Under no circumstances am I to provoke anyone who may hug the life out of me or squeal so loud my eardrums burst.

20. I will not scream 'Off with their heads!' every five seconds.

21. I am not the larval stage of an octopus.

22. I am not a modern-day Typhoid Mary.

23. I am not radioactive.

24. I was not, am not, nor will I ever be the King of the Velociraptors.

25. When asked what I am doing, 'painting the roses red' is not an acceptable answer.

26. I am not an assassin, nor do people do not want my business card.

27. I am not married to a jack-o-lantern.

28. It is bad form to throw Skittles at someone and scream 'Taste the rainbow, motherfucker'.

29. I will not inform people about the terrible plight of the white crayon.

30. I am not Samurai Jack, despite my frequent daydreams.

31. I shall keep my language PG around adults that can do anything about it.

32. I will not speak in tongues in front of the extremely religious.

33. I will not tempt fate.

34. No exceptions.

35. I will not scream and run when confronted with soap.

36. Scratch that last one.

37. It is not necessary for someone to say 'Uncle' before I accept their surrender.

38. I am not allowed to have my own theme song.

39. Experimenting on others is strictly forbidden.

40. In the event of an office referral, Rule 3 is in greater effect.

41. I am not to take things literally unless otherwise specified.

42. Giving caffeine to small children is not fun for anyone but me.

43. I will not throw round objects at others and yell 'Gotta catch 'em all'.

44. I did not party with the President last Thursday.

45. My burps are not the human equivalent of a Care Bear Stare.

46. Just because I am a villain doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.

47. Google is not a good source for blackmail material.

48. I will not place bets on the outcome of scuffles, fights, or lawsuits.

49. Regardless of who it is, they do not remind me of the babe.

50. Ignore all of the above.